


Desperate Measures

by Alessariel



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Pining, Sexual Tension, Smut, Spoilers for Mass Effect 3, a tiny bit of angst, attempted humour, but it's really rather silly, oblivious Kaidan, oblivious Shepard, shameless abuse of a popular scifi trope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-03
Updated: 2013-11-10
Packaged: 2017-12-31 10:03:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1030382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alessariel/pseuds/Alessariel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Shepard and Major Alenko are hopeless. Everyone on the Normandy thinks so.<br/>So the crew comes up with a plan so harebrained it may actually work. After all, stranger things have happened on the Normandy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hopeless

Commander Shepard and Major Alenko are hopeless. 

Hopelessly lusting after each other, most certainly. Everyone can see that.

Hopelessly in love, very probably. Everyone would bet on it.

But mostly hopeless. Everyone on the Normandy thinks so.

Liara starts adding suggestive files to the Broker terminal for Shepard to find, only stopping short of actually using Kaidan's diary. This is not because she feels that this would be a breech of trust but because even in his private notes Kaidan is absolutely hopeless at admitting his feelings. He does mention kittens a lot, but Liara isn't sure if that's his code name for Shepard or something else entirely. Disturbing thought.

Chakwas drops hints during the regular check-ups, about the merit of recreational activities, stress-relief, quoting statistics that show an increase in efficiency of 17 percent and more. When this does not warrant the desired effect, she gets more blunt. Both Kaidan and Shepard regularly find leaflets about safer sex and free samples of condoms in their pockets after they've been to the medbay. None of them ever mention it to the doc.

Garrus tries to talk to Shepard. Questions him extensively about Virmire, biotics, about Horizon, the citadel coup, the earth country of Canada, the incident on Mars, brands of whiskey, the colour blue, anything he can think of that has anything to do with a certain Major. Shepard seems slightly irritated at the random topics but is willing to chat amiably enough. It doesn't lead to anything.

James invites both Kaidan and Shepard to a night of poker. He doesn't tell them that it's going to be strip poker. To make it less conspicuous, he also invites Steve, completely missing the predatory glint in the pilot's eyes. When James reveals the stakes, Kaidan is terribly sorry, but he has to leave because he feels a migraine coming on. Shepard has barely sat down when his omni-tool beeps. He claims an important matter, fate of the galaxy at stake, you know how it is, and James is sure that Shepard has rigged his omni-tool but can't prove it. Leaving only James and Steve, alone.

Steve insists that they play poker nonetheless. Things happen. Different things than James had planned for. Not that he complains, don't get him wrong, but the Shepard-Alenko situation remains unresolved.

It gets so bad that even Diana Allers notices, but she knows she'd be flayed alive by the crew if she'd put this on the Battlespace. So she keeps quiet, only adding some suggestive questions to her interviews with Shepard. 'I'm sure my viewers would be very interested to learn if Commander Shepard has a significant other.' Favourite sexual positions? Any thoughts on gay marriage? Shepard is polite as per usual and evades her questions, much to her chagrin. He probably thinks she's hitting on him and wants to let her down gently.

There are looks. Lingering looks, whenever one of the pair thinks the other won't notice. Smouldering looks from whiskey coloured eyes, intense stares from icy blue ones. Looks that could melt butter, then use it to fry up a whole thresher maw. Any crew member unlucky enough to get in between one of these and it's current target can feel the heat like the beam of a Thanix cannon. Afterwards, they go to great lengths to not have it happen again.

The unresolved sexual tension is driving everyone up the walls. Garrus and Tali have been caught on eighteen different occasions, 'calibrating' parts of the ship in compromising positions. Kenneth and Gabby sneak down to Jack's former hidey-hole on every break. People are nervous about entering the cockpit for fear of what might await them there with EDI and Joker in such close proximity, all day. Mostly, their fears are unwarranted, because EDI is a professional and Joker still loves flying almost as much as he loves EDI, but still. After that fateful poker night, the Shuttle Bay becomes a similar mine field.

Mordin starts a series of tests to determine whether human pheromones are actually capable of making other races horny. He doesn't comment on what's going on much, but if you listen closely you might notice that he changes the tune of whatever it is he's humming to himself whenever Shepard or Alenko are close. For Alenko it's Gilbert and Sullivans 'Iolanthe', 'From thy dark exile thou art summoned'. For Shepard, for some reason, Tchaikovsky's 'Nutcracker Suite'. He's also taken to quoting from 'Romeo and Juliet' and 'Tristan and Isolde'. Both the Commander and the Major seem oblivious, but that may be accredited to their regrettable lack of classical education. 

Javik could tell Mordin a thing or two about human pheromones, claiming he can smell it days later if the two of them have been in a room together. He does never, however, speak about that time when he stumbled in on Wrex and Eve. Javik was previously believed to not know the meaning of the word 'shame'. He also believed himself to be incapable of blushing. Turns out wrong, on both accounts.

This has to stop. Everyone on the Normandy thinks so.


	2. Conspiracy

It starts in the mess hall, when Liara, Garrus and Karin Chakwas have lunch together. There is overall agreement that the situation is approaching intolerable fast. 

None of them is sure what exactly causes the trouble. Chakwas rules out physical problems as well as denial, asked how she knows she refers to the medical records but refuses to spill the details. Spoilsport.

Liara says it can't be regulations. Both Shepard and Alenko are spectres, also she can list at least 248 regulations Shepard has broken during the last three years. No one asks how she knows, she's the Shadow Broker. D'uh.

Garrus is the first to admit that he's no goddamn therapist, but as far as he can tell both of them have come to terms with what happened in the past, with Virmire, Alchera, Horizon, Mars. He's willing to admit that those two have a lot of emotional baggage, more than the average person, but they're also both fairly level-headed, for humans at least. Dr. Chakwas, the only human present, doesn't take offense but agrees wholeheartedly.

In the end, they conclude that it's most likely plain stubbornness. And because both of them are hopeless at this shit, of course.

None of them can think of a solution.

It continues during the next weeks. Each of the three talk to other crew members. Everyone agrees that something has to be done. If there's any two beings in this galaxy that deserve a little happiness, it's the Commander and the Major. Everyone vividly recalls how torn up Shepard was after Kaidan got so badly injured on Mars. How he wouldn't leave the Major's side, not even for a council summons. How he found excuses to take them back to the citadel after every other mission, so he could check up on Kaidan's progress.

But how to do this? Shepard is Shepard, their rock, head thick as a krogan's, and he won't be moved unless he wants to move. Alenko may be a little more malleable but he's so damn correct in everything he does, so painstakingly perfect like a crisp crease on an uniform. The citadel coup may have put a serious wrinkle into him but no one feels comfortable exploiting that particular angle.

A short shore leave on the citadel, a couple of days later. 

There's an informal gathering of the crew, present and past, in the Silversun Casino. Shepard's gone with Zaeed and Grunt to the Armax Arsenal Arena to shoot shit. Kaidan muttered something about having to have his hair cut.

Liara, Garrus, Chakwas, Samantha and Jack end up around a table. Drinks flow, the atmosphere has a tinge of desperation. Jack casually drops that she's started going out with Miranda and grins dangerously during the ensuing baffled silence. 

Garrus is the first to recover, quipping that surely Jack means that she named her varren Miranda.

Jack throws back her head, laughing, and everyone is relieved until she matter of fact states that she named the varren Eezo and that she meant it exactly as it sounded.

Everyone is quick to congratulate her, this time around. 

More silence follows, until Liara suddenly bursts out with  
"Well, that just about does it! If even someone like Jack can hook up with the Cerberus cheerleader, then it should be a piece of cake to get Shepard to finally hop into the sack with Kaidan!"

Everyone eyes Jack nervously, cautiously edging away in case of cataclysmic biotic rage, but Jack just smirks and tosses back her drink. 

Kasumi chooses this moment to de-cloak, eyes shining with evil delight at the prospect of mischief. She's the mistress of mayhem, after all, this is right up her alley.

It takes a couple of hours, a lot more alcohol and several attempts by Silversun Casino's personnel to throw them off the premises until the beginning of a plan emerges.

Surprisingly it's Samantha that plants the seed, nerdy Sam with her knowledge of obscure fictional works and something she calls tropes.

Jack and Liara gleefully latch right on, while Garrus seems reluctant at first. He thinks the whole thing is preposterous and somewhat childish. Also, it will never work. Shepard and Kaidan are too intelligent to fall for this, he claims. After he's reminded of the things Shepard has done and Kaidan has helped him doing, he retracts that statement.

Kasumi has gone suspiciously quiet. When she's not cloaked she can be seen staring at her omni-tool in concentration. Everyone thinks this is slightly alarming.

Karin just sits back and enjoys the madness, sipping her Serrice Ice Brandy and smiling. She's agreed to do her part and privately she's can't wait to see what will come of this.

When Garrus and Liara approach Mordin for help in their little scheme, the salarian scientist is not amused. On further probing he reluctantly reveals that he can't condone this because the 'exact same thing' once happened to him while still in the STG. Inhales deeply and says that it's not much fun to be told by your commanding officer to 'get on your knees and hold the line'.

Blank looks. Mordin elaborates. Apparently, 'line' is a really dirty slang word for certain parts of the salarian anatomy.

He keeps a straight face for almost thirty seconds while Liara and Garrus stare at each other uncomfortably. Then dissolves into gleeful laughter. He thinks it's a bogus plan, but it may just be bogus enough to work. Of course he'll help. He even has a few ideas on how to improve this. He suggests green smoke or green light. The colour green apparently affects human psychology in a particular way.

A couple of weeks pass before they are ready to execute their desperate plan, until a suitable opportunity arises.

They're heading to the Valhallan Threshold, to search for prothean data drives. Garrus does a little calibration aka sabotage and ensures that the probes are conveniently jammed once they arrive, so that they have to take the shuttle down to the planet Garvug, a wasteland with a thin atmosphere, barely life sustaining.

There is a tense moment when Shepard assembles the team and the plan hinges on Kaidan being in it. Garrus, normally one of Shepard's most favoured team members, is fully prepared to come up with an excuse - important turian holiday, sniper rifle needs calibrating, bad case of squids, yes, squids, not squits, don't ask, you don't want to know. 

But they needn't have worried. Shepard almost always takes Kaidan along, especially on low priority missions. Privately, Liara thinks this is so he can spend more time staring at Kaidan's armour-clad ass. It is a spectacular ass, she has to admit. 

Liara is fairly certain that Shepard will take her along as well. Even though they now have a living prothean on board, Shepard still regards her as the effective expert on prothean ruins. Javik is the first to admit that he's only ever seen the shattered remains of the prothean empire, and as a warrior science isn't exactly his forte.

Shepard takes Liara along. Of course he does.

Steve takes the shuttle down to the ruins, in a remote rocky outcrop far away from anything that passes as civilisation on this former krogan outpost. Liara unobtrusively checks her bag, counts the smoke bombs, rehearses the plan. It's mainly based on improvisation, must be, since they don't know what they will find, but she's confident. If anyone knows how to improvise, how to lie, how to stage something and set someone up, it's her.

Shepard jumps out of the shuttle, assault gun at the ready, tech armour fired up, blue eyes focused and serious. Kaidan follows, biotics flaring briefly before they settle into his trademark barrier, just as focused, even more serious. Liara hops daintily to the ground, and if any of the boys had been turning back to her instead of focusing on the mission, they would've seen an unfamiliar smirk on her lips, one that would have reminded them more of Aria T'Loak than gentle Liara. An unsettling smirk. But none of them sees and they set out into the ruins and towards destiny by meddling hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My headcannon is that Mordin and Kirrahe have a very casual relationship ever since their time together in the STG and that if Kirrahe ever told Mordin to get down on his knees and hold any part of his anatomy, Mordin wouldn't have minded at all. Mordin deserves all the happiness he can get.


	3. Debrief

The atmosphere is tense during debrief. Shepard paces nervously, something he _never_ does. Kaidan is fidgeting, also something _he_ never does . The rest of the team is silent and apprehensive, or at least tries to look the part. They know what's at stake here, namely the Commander's and the Major's happiness. And their own sanity. They have a plan, and they'll follow it, come hell or reaper invasion, but plans have a tendency to blow up in their faces. 

Literally. 

Dr. Chakwas finally breaks the tension with her usual nonchalance.

"Gentlemen, important things first, you're going to die."

A collective gasp.

"But it will hopefully be at age 106, in bed, with sixteen of your doting grandchildren around you. Not today. Your test results, however, make no sense. So tell me: what exactly, and I mean en détail, happened down there?"

Shepard and Kaidan both stare at her, not amused, but the doctor just raises an eyebrow inquiringly. Shepard finally caves in, shrugging. 

"It was a routine mission. We shot some varren. Then we blew up some stuff. Then we shot more varren. Then there was this vile green smoke, and ..." 

Dr. Chakwas turns to Liara and Kaidan without so much as a blink. 

"Dr. T'Soni, Major Alenko, why don't you give me a run-through of events?" 

Liara has a hard time not laughing as Shepard very much tries not to pout. She and Kaidan exchange a look and Kaidan begins.

"We touched down on Garvug and located the ruins. The planet is inhabitable, barely, but enough to sustain some wild life. Everything seemed normal."

He describes how they entered the ruins, with no sign of hostile activity, very few signs of life at all. The team only had to fight off a couple of wild varren, not unexpected on any world that was once home to the krogan. No big deal for two marines and an asari biotic. Liara takes over.

"Those ruins are so impressive! It's a crying shame that the Council has declined to fund an expedition. They seem more extensive than even the ones on Therum, and thankfully free of any energy fields to get stuck in. I noticed at least three different epochs, and if we only had the time, we could ..."

Dr. Chakwas coughs sternly and Liara snaps out of it.

There had been so many buildings that it must have been a whole colony once, though most of them had been razed by time and the elements. After searching a couple of empty ruins they'd located what must have once been a prothean information hub, similar in built to the mars archives though on a vastly smaller scale. It was hidden in the floor of a comparatively lavishly decorated room, prothean statues like they'd seen on Ilos on all four sides. While Liara worked on extracting the drives they'd come for, Shepard and Kaidan had kept moving slowly, guarding the perimeter of the ruin. Keeping each others back as per usual, a pattern established long ago and by now second nature.

"We don't know what triggered it," Kaidan moves ahead, "there was a strange sound, like a rasping of stone on stone, then a click and a whirr. And then Liara ..."

What had brought Shepard and Kaidan running was Liara quietly but distinctively going "Uhoh.". Guns at the ready, they'd skidded into the room just as the green smoke began pouring forth from underneath all four statues and before they could put up their breathers each of them had gotten a good lungful of the vile stuff. 

"While Shepard and Kaidan were both incapacitated by hacking up their lungs and then some ..."  
"I was hardly incapacitated! A little winded, perhaps ..." Shepard can't help but comment, all wounded pride.  
"... as I was saying, while they were incapacitated, I managed to put on my breather. The smoke didn't seem to affect me as it did them." Small wonder, since it had been tailored to human physiology, Liara thinks to herself.  
"I then proceeded to fiddle with the hub until the smoke stopped pouring forth."

It had taken the humans a couple of minutes to recuperate from the ordeal, during which Liara had stood guard herself. 

"I tried to figure out what happened, but it wasn't clear what had caused this effect, nor what its purpose was. I suspected a trap or possibly a security measure. We had the drives, but the Commander and the Major were still affected by the smoke. We were worried that it might have been poisonous or otherwise harmful. So we got back to the Normandy as fast as possible."

Chakwas nods at the conclusion of Liara's tale, expression turning serious.

She stands and turns to the team, calling up the results on her omni-tool. 

"After testing all of the ground team, I have found nothing wrong with Dr. T'Soni. Her biometric values are all normal. However, Shepard and Alenko are a very different matter ..."

Liara thinks that Chakwas is probably overacting this a bit, with all the dramatic pauses. She suspects the serious and level-headed doctor to have just a tiny bit of a secret drama queen inside that wants out from time to time.

"Some of their test results are baffling as well as alarming."

Chakwas rattles off a couple of technical terms, massively increased activity in the limbic system, increased hormonal activity, rise in aggregation pheromones, that no one seems to understand save Mordin who nods thoughtfully. None of these are a cause for alarm in their own right, she clarifies, but something is definitely wrong. And it's getting worse.

Shepard seems uncomfortable in his clothes. Kaidan, too, seems to flinch from time to time, then shifts, trying to hide the way he's scratching one leg with the sole of his other foot's boot.

Samantha Traynor smirks and thinks back to how she gave both their fatigues and civvies a treatment with mild itching powder earlier and consequently learned that Shepard has boxer shorts with stitched alliance logos and Kaidan favours blue in every aspect of his wardrobe.

Liara is just glad that they stopped at itching powder. She really had to put down her foot as Mordin came up with several, quote, 'completely harmless bacterial infections' that would have caused mild symptoms of what they were aiming for. They'd argued about this for a while but Liara had been adamant, and Garrus backed her up. This was for Shepard and Kaidan's benefit and no matter how harmless, they would not actually risk their health in any way. The smoke was bad enough.

When Dr. Chakwas has finished, Liara smoothly takes the lead once more. She calls up pictures of the ruins on the holographic interface of the conference room, detailing the statues, the room which they found the drives in, all downloaded from her omni-tool. She hasn't had time yet to translate the few inscriptions, but she believes that with a little time, she'll be able to figure out what this used to be ...

"A sensoriarium.", Javik interrupts her, deadpan. He'd been surprisingly easy to persuade to become an accomplice in this charade. He blames Shepard and Alenko for the incident with Wrex and Eve, still. He wasn't styled 'Vengeance' for no reason.

"A what?" Shepard and Kaidan say it in unison, exchange quizzical looks, then pretend that this is nothing noteworthy.

"Sensoriarium. There does not seem to be an exact correspondent for this prothean concept in your language. Let me try to explain. A... den of delight? House of joy? Where you go to relief stress, take a leave of your senses, fool around, bait the hook, fluff the duff, make the two-backed varren, hide the salami, forge the moaning statue, wet the thresher maw ..."

Kaidan blinks and coughs furiously, apparently trying not to choke on something. Shepard stares at the prothean, mouth agape, which must be a first. Even Mordin seems impressed. 

"I ... er, I think we get the general idea." Chakwas manages to choke out after a couple of seconds.

"This cycle sure has a lot of weird descriptions for this." Javik continues, unfazed. These are only words, after all, and most of them mean little to him. He basically learned the language by direct download, which left him with a general understanding of the translations, but the actual nuances of these colourful idioms are mercifully a mystery to him.

Liara shakes her head, surprised at the prothean's wiliness. 

"So you're saying that place was a ... a sort of brothel to your people?" Kaidan looks like he can't believe that protheans had sex, too. Javik folds his arms, two of his eyes narrowing in irritation while the other two stay fixed on the Major.

"No, human. I said it was a sensuarium. As far as I can tell, your term "brothel" refers to a place of ill repute, with connotations of enslaved sexual workers. This is completely different. A sensuarium is the place where we went to escape reality. A place for mutual affections and the release of secret fantasies. There was nothing dirty or illegal about this. Many races of my cycle enjoyed themselves in such a way. The smoke you were exposed to was most likely one of the recreational drugs used regularly in this context. It was made from the very finest leola pollen, fashioned after wholesome organic formulas. It is harmless."

There's more silence after this, but it seems a little lighter, though very thoughtful. At least half of the team is eyeballing Javik, obviously either trying hard to picture how exactly protheans 'wet the thresher maw' or to suppress the mental images that come to mind.

"Well, harmless sounds good." Shepard says finally, rubbing his belly absentmindedly. Kaidan pretends not to notice. 

"Oh yes. Once you've gotten it out of your system, you'll be fine. Or at least you would be, if you were prothean.", Javik adds with a bored yawn.

"Wait, what?" Shepard pivots and points a finger at Javik. "What do you mean, gotten it out of our systems ...?" Javik blinks at him nonplussed, though he does not seem affronted.

Liara quickly steps in, stopping short only of touching Shepard (remembering phase three of the plan just in time). "Commander, may I?" 

Shepard nods curtly, face flushed with exasperation, then folds his arms. Liara smiles at the prothean, silently congratulating him on his performance so far and hoping that he'll continue in stride.

"Javik, let me get this straight. You're saying this drug, this ... this pollen was used for recreational purposes. That it was harmless to protheans, and that they took it voluntarily because it had beneficial effects. Please tell us exactly what the pollen was supposed to do?"

"Lower inhibitions, and enhance the libido, of course." The prothean answers. Liara can't be sure but she thinks the rapid blinking of all four eyes may be Javik's version of a smirk.

"Alien sex pollen?! You have got to be kidding me ..." Shepard mutters under his breathe then seems to notice that he's said this out aloud.  
There's a couple of mutters and snickers from the team. From the way Kaidan's eyes widen and he blushes, he's heard it, too. Liara clears her throat and ignores the comment, though inwardly she's rolling on the ground in glee.

"Alright, and if the ... er ... subject chooses not to act on the ... urges created by the pollen, what will happen?"

Javik shrugs, in a weirdly fluid motion that looks sort of like a see-saw.  
"This question is pointless. Any visitor to a sensuarium that inhaled leola pollen did so because of its effect. As I said, it was only one of the recreational possibilities, but when it was used, it usually led to orgies that lasted days. Good times ... " He sounds almost wistfully.

"Days!"  
"Orgies?!"

Shepard and Alenko have both gone pale. Javik completely ignores the interruption.  
"I can only try to make an educated guess, asari. Since the drug was meant for protheans, not for puny humans, it might trigger a mating frenzy. However, the drug will have been somewhat affected by time. My best guess is that they will be extremely uncomfortable for a couple of days, until the pollen is flushed out of their system. Intercourse would vastly accelerate this process. " He shrugs again.

Kaidan leaps to his feet, itch forgotten. "Oh come on! I can't believe this! You're kidding, right?"

"Major, your irritation is understandable, especially with the effects of these prothean pollen taken into consideration." Chakwas interrupts him. "However, my tests speak for themselves. Denial of the facts will not make them magically go away."

Kaidan visibly deflates, but he's not entirely convinced just yet.  
"Look, I'm not saying that your results are false, but ... why is Liara not affected?" 

It's obvious that he's desperately looking for a loophole in this story. It's his bad luck that this whole harebrained heist has been extensively planned by some of the most brilliant and deluded minds in the known galaxy and that most possible objections have been foreseen. 

Mordin coughs and raises a finger.

"Can explain that. Liara still very young for asari. Pollen likely targets thalamus and limbic system, very root of primal instincts. High possibility Liara has not yet developed necessary receptors. However. Not important right now." He breathes deeply.  
"Know now what is affecting both the Major and Commander. Prothean has presented viable and simple solution to the problem:"

Shepard opens his mouth to protest, Kaidan has started to sweat, and both are luckily too preoccupied to notice how the teams holds its collective breathe, eagerly leaning forward, anticipation rising, waiting for it, waiting for it ...

"Have sex."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun, dun, dun. The dastardly plan is revealed. I just really wanted to give the "alien sex pollen"-trope a twist. I did say that this was a silly idea, right? No refunds now.
> 
> I don't own the "From ashes"-DLC, so Javik probably comes across as out of character. He was still fun to write.  
> If Shepard seems a bit more emotionally unbalanced than usual, try to imagine how you would feel in his situation: Having a prothean smirk at you and a salarian tell you to sex it up, while your underwear is itching like hell and the guys you're working with all exchange knowing grins.
> 
> Brownie points to those that catch both the Dragon Age and the Star Trek reference.


	4. Solution

The room falls so silent you could hear a space hamster sneeze.

"Everyone that's not a doctor leaves, now! Except you, Major. You stay." Shepard finally grounds out, giving Kaidan who'd eagerly jumped up like he had ants in his pants a dirty look. For good or worse, they're in this together. 

The team is quick to obey and Liara is proud because not one of them snickers audibly on their way out, though there are some disappointed looks. Then it's only Shepard, Chakwas, Mordin and Liara. And a grumbling Kaidan, of course.

Shepard eyes Liara, and she wonders if she's been a little too cheeky interpreting his orders. She does have a doctor's degree, though she knows that's not what he meant. But he seems to decide to let it pass, instead folding both hands behind his back, probably to keep himself from scratching. Or strangling someone.

"Nothing that is said here from now on will ever leave this room, do I make myself clear?" Shepard's voice brooks no argument and everyone murmurs assent.

"Karin, can you give me any other options?"

The human doctor shrugs. "With time, we probably could come up with something. But I can't even detect the pollen so far, much less devise anything to counter it. From the progression rate, I'd say you'd be in for a couple of very uncomfortable days, at the very least. And not fit for service, I may add."

Shepard puts a hand to his forehead as if he just couldn't believe that this is happening to him.

"What sort of symptoms are we talking? How severe?"

Mordin looks thoughtful.

"Increased body temperature. Hypersensitivity. Increased sense of smell. General state of arousal. Nausea. Gradually progressing swelling of genitals and anal glands. Wait, wrong. No anal glands in human physiology, my mistake. Loss of inhibitions. Loss of muscular control. Mental instability due to heightened hormone levels. Capability for logical decisions greatly diminished. High probability of indecent behaviour. High probability for uncontrollable urges to rub against things."

Kaidan can't help himself, he has to scratch his thigh. Mordin nods in satisfaction, point made, and Kaidan rolls his eyes, blushing.

"That sounds pretty bad. Can't we just ... I don't know, take lots of cold showers and do push ups?" he asks desperately.

Mordin snorts. "Would not work. Pollen likely to react to specific neurotransmitters released during sexual intercourse. However. Do not see problem. Proffered solution is simple, effective and usually enjoyable. Two healthy human males. Same species. Physically compatible. Well established cultural concept. Research shows both considered attractive. Proof: 1465 extranet sites for Commander Shepard, 769 for Major Alenko. 2013 sites depicting both together."

"That may be as it is, but ... wait, what?!?" Shepard stares at Mordin. The salarian stares back, unfazed.

"You mean ... are you saying that ... you want us to have sex? With each other?" Kaidan's voice pitches a lot higher than usually. He's sort of offended that he apparently rates as only half as attractive as Shepard. Shepard is a celebrity, after all. That has to be the only reason.

Mordin shrugs, making a casual gesture with both fingers of the right hand.  
"Not necessarily. Suppose, could have sex with other crew members. Please note, myself not an option. No insult intended, just both of you not my type."

Shepard stares at Mordin, then shifts his gaze to Dr. Chakwas. She'd swear his gaze is pleading. If the Commander and the Major hadn't put them all through years of beating around the bush, walking on eggshells and what amounts to downright psychological torture, she might almost feel sorry for them. Almost.

"Don't look at me that way, Commander. I'm old enough to be your mother."

"I wasn't ...! I didn't mean ...! Karin, please!" Shepard sputters. Chakwas smirks.

"I seem to recall that you did invite Samantha to dinner in your cabin once. Isn't she still feeding your fish? Maybe you would prefer ..."

"No! Um, no, that's probably not an option ..."

"What?" Kaidan's voice has suddenly dropped an octave and sounds almost dangerous. For the first time since the beginning of the debriefing he's facing Shepard head on, amber eyes narrowed. Shepard glances at him with a frown.

"It's not like that, Kaidan. It was only between friends." 

Kaidan huffs and rolls his eyes. Not that it's any of his business which women Shepard invites up to his cabin. He just never noticed ... Well, Shepard did spend a lot of time at Traynor's terminal going over communications with her ... The mere thought makes his hackles rise and his temper flare.

Liara feels it too. EDI has apparently initiated phase three, turning up the temperature by several degrees and charging the air in the room.

"Kaidan, seriously, Sam's not even interested in ..." Shepard reaches out and puts a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. Both men jerk and blink as electrostatic energy discharges upon the touch, giving both of them a minute shock.

Dr. Chakwas smoothly uses the opportunity.

"It looks as if the symptoms are already affecting you, gentlemen. We need our CO and his XO sound of body and mind, and to have both of you out of service for a few days is not an option. We have a solution that is deemed workable by a human doctor, a salarian scientist, an expert on prothean culture, not to mention a living prothean himself. It's understandable that you find this a little distressing, but let's face the facts. We're all adults here. You can either work this out together, or name another crew member you want me to contact now. Is there someone I should contact?" She raises an eyebrow and looks from one blushing man to the other. She's never seen them so endearingly embarrassed.

"I couldn't quiet understand you, gentlemen." Oh, she's going to hell for this, but it's worth it.

"No."  
"No."

Both Shepard and Kaidan mumble their answers unisono, again, then look at each other in surprise. Smouldering whiskey meets intense blue. 

Liara coughs and hides a grin behind a hand.

"Glad that's settled then. May I suggest taking this to the captain's cabin? You have eighteen hours before we reach the Citadel. Shepard. Kaidan. Good luck. " She saunters out of the conference room, followed by Dr. Chakwas and Mordin, leaving two mortified men staring after her as if she'd just sprouted a pyjak tail.

Liara makes it a point to immediately seek out Javik and congratulate him on the fantastic tale he's spun. He regards her with his four eyes, unblinking, and asks her what tale she is referring to.

"Oh, you know, all of that stuff about the sensuarium. And the pollen and so on."

"Ah. Indeed, a rather obvious lie, I'm afraid. It's preposterous to think that leola pollen would have any affect on a race as primitive as humans.'

Javik blinks rapidly with all four eyes, twice, then leaves a speechless Liara to her own devices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mordin is the best.
> 
> Happy N7 day!


	5. Fishing

The elevator ride up to the captain's cabin seems to take forever. Something is different, too, but Shepard can't put his finger on it. Kaidan's run out of directions to stare into and is now fixating the elevator control panel as if it's the most fascinating thing he's ever seen. He doesn't seem to notice that he's softly humming under his breathe. 

It's only then that Shepard notices the music. Since when does the Normandy have music on its elevators? Must be one of EDI's 'improvements'. Okay, but 'Fly me to the moon'? Seriously? He makes a mental note to talk to EDI about this. Wonders if this is some strange remnant of her past as a rogue VI on the moon. 

Kaidan is surprisingly good at melodious humming.

They finally arrive on deck 1. Shepard's always wondered why his cabin has a whole deck to itself. Surely he doesn't snore that loudly? 

"Come on in." Shepard'll never know what possessed him to say "Or are you waiting for me to carry you over the threshold?" next. It must be nerves.

It does give him the opportunity to see Kaidan blush from his immaculately starched collar to the tips of his black hair and damn if that isn't just about the most beautiful sight. Kaidan steps inside with a scowl, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like "Fuck you, Shepard!" under his breathe. Shepard smirks.

Kaidan's not sure what the appropriate feeling is for when you have been exposed to alien sex pollen and have been ordered under witness to have extensive sex with your hot commander whom you've had a secret and awkward crush on for years. But if Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws, was to come along right now and swallow him up, he'd probably cheer her on and hand her some tasty Tuchanka Tummy Tingling hot sauce to boot.

"So, here we are. On doctor's orders, no less."  
"That makes it sound worse, somehow."

Another awkward pause. Shepard shrugs helplessly. The blue light from the fish tank highlights the sheen of sweat on his face. Kaidan glances at the fish and a small blue fellow, flat like a discus and with yellow stripes, stares right back. From inside the tank, it must seem like they're enacting a ridiculous play for the fish's sake. Late night debriefings, talks over a glass of whiskey, shared thoughts and shared space, but never more, always safe this side of the regs. He wonders if the fish have a name for this strange form of entertainment. Suspects that if they do, it's something worthy of a trashy space opera. 'Flyboys, Flirting and Failures', maybe. Or 'Gone with the Gun'. 'Cockblocked by Cold Feet'.

Pathetic.

Shepard's not used to not being in charge of the situation. He isn't the type to endlessly think about something. He's the kind of guy that shoots first, and asks questions later. It's gotten him into trouble more times than he can count, hell, it's gotten him killed and how many people can seriously claim that and still laugh while they punch you in the face afterwards?

Right.

So why hasn't he put the moves on Alenko long ago? He's not stupid. He knows that Kaidan isn't entirely indifferent to him. Shortly before Virmire, he thought they had something going on. But then, with one thing or another, Ash's death, missions to complete, people to rescue, a galaxy to save, it just never happened. And after Horizon Kaidan seemed more inclined to strangle him than kiss him. He looks at Kaidan and would give all of the eezo in the world for a glimpse into the man's thoughts.

Sometimes Kaidan would like to tell Shepard, how it was. How he had to watch Shepard fall away from him over Alchera, unable to do anything about it, all of the things he felt but never dared to say still stuck in his throat. How he yelled until his voice was gone, until he was empty and hollow inside. Until he was as cold as Shepard's lifeless body, falling towards an icy blue planet.

Something's still a little scarred inside of him ever since. It's weird, back then he so desperately wanted to tell Shepard how he felt, but when the man stood before him again on Horizon, those blue eyes the most familiar thing in a face still lined with those eerie implant scars, he couldn't, and then the right moment had passed. 

Can it be that simple? 

One would think there must be some earth shattering reason for such idiocy. Big drama. But there is no reason, none that could justify years of misery when just a call, a message, a couple of words, formed to a simple sentence, could have changed this.

Kaidan stares at the little blue fish and feels like the fish is staring him down. The fish would probably have acted a long time ago. He'd just saunter up to that attractive fish guy with the red and black stripes and the small barbs on his back and drag him behind the next handy algae and then ... Kaidan doesn't actually know what fish do in those situations, actually he doesn't want to know. The fish is still staring at him. He'd swear that it's mocking him. Is it even possible to be insulted by a fish?

Shepard coughs and Kaidan realizes that he's been zoning out, staring at his Commander like an idiot for at least a minute.

"Let's sit down. We'll figure this out."  
Kaidan nods and walks over to the couch. He and Shepard sit down, with a proper distance between each other. The silence is dragging its feet, getting uncomfortable, then sitting down between them, idly twiddling it's thumbs. 

"Kaidan ..."  
"Shepard ..."

They speak at the same time, again, blink, then burst out laughing. The laughter is slightly hysterically and it feeds on itself. Whenever one of them is trailing off, they just have to take a look at the other and the chuckling starts anew. It lasts minutes until they're both too much out of breathe, tears in the corner of their eyes, and it finally fades, only to settle into a far more relaxed silence that kicks back on the couch and puts up its feet on the table.

Shepard wipes his eyes, still chuckling lightly. 

"This is ridiculous."  
"Yep."  
"We're both adults."  
"Yep."  
"We're both marines."  
"Yep."  
"We're both fucked."  
"Yep. Wait, what?"  
"Not literally speaking, of course. I guess technically only one of us gets fucked."  
"Shepard!"  
"What? Thinking of taking turns? My, my, Alenko. Didn't think you had it in you."

Kaidan is blushing fiercely again, adding to the heat. Shepard chuckles again. He's an outspoken, extrovert kind of guy, but not usually quiet this blunt. Still, it lightens his mood and he finds that he really likes making Kaidan blush, too. He starts to undo the clasps on his top.  
"Sorry if I'm coming across as rude, but if I don't get this off soon, I'm going to expire in here."

Kaidan, torn between watching and mortified indignation, sputters.  
"How can you be so casual about this, Shepard? I mean... honestly, you can't tell me that this situation isn't getting to you at all!"

Shepard stops undressing, buttons halfway undone. He sighs.

"Look, I'm sorry, Kaidan. Seriously, the last thing I want is to force you into anything you don't want. You can leave anytime. I would understand it. We'd find a different way out of this mess somehow." He hesitates. What he wants to say is this: But if there's even a tiny bit in you that still wants me, if you feel even the least bit about me as I feel about you, then stay. Please stay. Stay with me here, tonight. Then stay for the rest of your life.

And there you have it, in a nutshell. The situation is getting to him. He doesn't want Kaidan to stay because of some fucked up prothean pollen. He wants him to stay of his own free will. But he's not gonna get that, and he's hot, and he's tired of playing games, and he really, really wants to run his hands through Kaidan's hair and all over his body, and do all kinds of things to him. He wants to hear Kaidan moan his name and scream for him when he comes. He doesn't care if that's the pollen or his libido speaking. It probably is the pollen, because his libido has been screaming things like this for a long time, especially late at night, when he thought of amber eyes and imagined it were Kaidan's hands on him instead of his own. 

Kaidan stares at Shepard, unable to make up his mind. He's getting really hot, and his clothes itch so bad, he wants to get out of them. Watches as Shepard's nimble fingers pluck loose button after button and imagines those fingers on himself. Argh. It's been so long that parts of Kaidan's anatomy must resemble his favourite colour by now. The question isn't wether he can go through with this, the question is wether he'd actually be able to leave.

Kaidan doesn't think he can, pollen or no pollen. He feels like screaming in frustration.

"Shepard, look, I don't want to leave, but you have to admit that this situation is impossible! You! Me! Here, together because of some alien viagra. All of this!"  
"Fine. Got any bright ideas how to handle this, then?"  
"Well, we could always take care of ... er ... ourselves."  
"Huh. That might actually ... no, wait. Mordin said this was tied to some receptors or hormones or some such crap that are only released during intercourse, right? I'm not sure if the ol' hand to gland combat qualifies. Also, Chakwas said this might last for days. I don't know about you, but doing _that_ for a few days solid actually sounds less alluring than one would think."  
"Alright, but you could still call up Traynor ..."  
"Oh shut up, Kaidan! I'm never going to have sex with Sam!"  
"Oh? But you want her to feed your fish? Say, didn't you tell me that you had the same deal with Kelly Chambers? What is it with you and women feeding your fish! You've never asked me to feed your fish!"  
"Kaidan, I asked you to look after the hamster once and you let it escape! I had to crawl all through the Normandy's ducts to catch it!"  
"Well, the fish haven't escaped from Traynor's loving care, so she's obviously the better choice."  
"Kaidan, Sam is a lesbian. As in, so not interested in me. And you drive me up the walls, maker forgive me, and I'm going to shut you up now."  
"Hah! I'd like to see you try ... mmmmf."

It works surprisingly well, too. 

Kaidan finally manages to wrestle Shepard's sweaty top away from his face, but not before he gets a good lungful of Shepard's musky scent. His righteous indignation fades away as he stares into blue eyes, dancing with impish amusement. Oh. Those eyes. So not fair. Kaidan licks his lips, gaze travelling over glistening skin and back to those incredible eyes. Shepard is only wearing a simple white muscle shirt now. It clings to his sweaty skin, leaving nothing to the imagination. Kaidan 's brain get's stuck on rippling abs and corded muscle, made even more alluring by the almost translucent white fabric.

"Kaidan ... ?" Shepard inquires, maybe a little worried or apologetic, but his voice is low and raspy and Kaidan swears he can smell those pheromones Chakwas was going on about. That voice does all sorts of interesting but highly embarrassing things to Kaidan's anatomy. He thinks he might have made a noise then, a groan, hopefully, but he's afraid it's more likely a needy mewl. He's wanted this for so long, and now that he's here, looking at Shepard, all he can think of is this stupid pollen. Fuck this. If this is all he's gonna get, he'll damn well make the best of it. He can still tell Shepard and himself that it was only because of the prothean drug later.

"Hey Kaidan, I'm sorry ..."

He'll show Shepard how to really shut someone up. 

There's a shocked intake of breathe against his lips, he's actually managed to surprise Shepard, the mighty saviour of the citadel, and it emboldens him. Shepard's left hand is coming up, Kaidan wonders if it's to push him away, maybe, but he won't have it. Pollen or no pollen, he doesn't care. He wants this, has wanted it for so long, and he's determined to finally know what it's like. He hopes the fish appreciate the show.

Kaidan's hand cradles the back of Shepard's head. Their lips are pressed together, but Shepard still isn't responding and Kaidan's heart is beating, hard, please, oh please, and then those rough lips move against his, becoming pliant and suddenly it's Shepard kissing Kaidan, not the other way round and oh, this is ...

Pretty damn awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scientific fact: There is a difference between masturbation and sex, chemistry-wise. I'm sure Mordin can give you all the details, if you're curious. Probably even in iambic pentameter.
> 
> This chapter very lighty references my headcanon of what happened at Alchera: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1027647

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this silly idea, and then I tried to write it so that it actually made sense.  
> And then I gave up and wrote it anyways. I apologize in advance for this.  
> There will be smut in later chapters. Just not sure yet how explicite.
> 
> Thanks to Kaylizle/Lunarflare14 for advice, ideas and encouragement.


End file.
